I was already reading when I started kindergarten, so they moved me into first grade. Around that same time my parents separated, and like a good Capricorn I was feeling more responsible that I probably should have for a 6-year old.
I have few clear memories of first grade, though one stuck in my mind and even recently, my body was still holding it. I remember being at my desk and they gave us a timed test. Meaning, they set a timer and we were supposed to finish the test before the bell rang.
I had to go to the bathroom, but I held it in, fearing that I’d fail the test. To be honest, it didn’t even occur to me that I could ask to go to the bathroom. I was trying to do what I was “supposed” to do, when all of a sudden, I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Apparently not everyone was so intently focused on their test. A boy across the room shouted out “Ann went potty!” and all of a sudden all eyes were on me and the puddle on the floor.
How embarrassing. I was trying to be a “big girl” and do like the other kids in first grade and my efforts had backfired. I have a vague memory of my teachers calling my Mom and her talking to others about it. Probably, she was embarrassed too, wondering if she had done the right thing moving me up a grade.
Recently, this came up in a session with one of my holistic health practitioners. We cleared the feelings out of my body which included not only embarrassment, but feeling unsupported and unworthy. It’s amazing how the body holds events from so long ago, the conclusions we draw from them and how these affect our lives in such subtle and powerful ways.
We grow up and forget, or simply brush past, a lot of this stuff. And so it becomes unconscious and difficult to pinpoint. To heal it, though, we need to “shine the light” on it, so the old stories can be neutralized and seen for what they are.
How do we find our old traumatic events, without spending years and a zillion dollars in therapy? One “fast track” is through meditation. Some people think they don’t have time to meditate, but– I swear– meditation saves years of problems. It clears this type of stuff, plus restores your energy and truth and puts you back on your path.
One great question to ask is “Where do I feel embarrassed?” Or, “What do I feel embarrassed about now?” You may connect to these feelings in your body this very moment, or you might think back to a time when you felt embarrassed. Here are some common experiences:
- Asking someone out or sharing your love
- Admitting you need help
- “Failing” at a job or project
- Expressing “negative” emotions such as anger, fear or jealousy
- Wanting something other than what your loved ones or community want for you
- Sticking your “foot in your mouth,” saying too much or too little
- Recognizing your own “dark side” such as judgments, greed or addictions
We have all been embarrassed! It’s not about never being embarrassed again, though it’s really important to recognize it and love yourself through it. Why?
When we get embarrassed, we check out. The core feeling is “I’m not ok; what’s happening isn’t ok,” and so we pop out of our bodies where the “problem” is happening. The light and life force within us (understandably) doesn’t want to feel it, and yet there are many unfortunate results from getting embarrassed:
- Our bodies feel abandoned
- We aren’t “home” and so we leave ourselves vulnerable to others energy and particularly, negativity
- We cannot access our power because it’s outside our bodies
- We continue to feel uncomfortable or like we have to avoid something, though we may not know why
Whew! So maybe in the long run, it’s easier to feel whatever we’re embarrassed about, and breathe through the pain? And what if the embarrassment happened long ago?
Probably, any old embarrassment you’re holding is still affecting you. Just ask yourself where you’re stuck in your life and probably, there is embarrassment lurking somewhere beneath the surface.
Are you ready to clear your embarrassment and love yourself once and for all?!
Try this 15-minute meditation, and if you like it, post your comments below!